Missing Loren

Loren, Orlando years.

It’s been two months since my brother Loren embarked on his last hike, his hike to the great beyond on another unknown journey.

His spirit is with me in Starobilsk--biking to the river, walking to town, going to Victoria's and the Library--but it is not the same knowing he is not in Tallahassee. I

don't know where he is now. I look up at the stars and the moon at night, and wonder. It was something we loved to do together, look upward, and together we saw things that we didn't see apart. I hope he was right about no endings in nature.

I have my doubts. Our friend Sandie thinks he's a special angel. My daughters Elissa and Michelle think so too, that he is in a better place. Asya is sure his soul is at peace, and will live forever.

I want to believe it. I am lost without his presence. I don't have an anchor here. I am without my guru, the person I turned to for knowledge of this and that, for his passion, his insights. Can't talk about the World Cup. Tennis at Wimbleton. The Tampa Bay Rays. Basketball (he knew everything). The politics of our country, of Ukraine, of the world. His love of history, the environment, goodness and the goddess, his vast knowledge of goddess spirituality. How I miss his voice. How I long to hear him.

I miss his emails, his always wonderful and thoughtful comments on my blogs, the things we shared, so many thoughts and ideas. Like twins. Some things I shared only with Loren, in long conversations that now seem like gems, precious gems. Loren loved the color lavender, but I see it through tears now.

He loved Clan of the Cave Bear, a book that he says changed his life and his way of looking at the world. It began the flowering of his awesome feminism, his deep insight into patriarchy, his readings in Mary Daly and others. I cannot share this with him anymore. I asked Christopher, the publisher friend of Loren’s upcoming autobiography, An Asperger Journey, to sneak a photo of the Auel cover into the text, to surprise Loren. He won't see it, this little gift to him.

Little things mattered so much to Loren. A hike. A hug. An understanding friend. Life is just not the same without my brother in it.